Thoughts - January 4, 2017

What up, 2017? I cannot believe the year just went by like that. I haven’t found the time to catch my breath yet to come to terms with the lingering problems from 2016, and here we are, in another new year, where people are making new goals, setting new resolutions and celebrating the fact that it’s been a splendid year and how they can’t wait for the new year to bring them new experiences and adventures.

I’m still here. I don’t know.

– When were you last disappointed in yourself?

– What was the meanest thing your inner thoughts ever told you?
That I was never gonna be good enough for whoever chooses to love me

– How long did it take for you to love yourself
Still a work in progress, everyday.

As much as it seemed like 2016 hasn’t been the most splendid year, it was the year that I’ve learnt alot, small steady steps along the way. It was the year that on some days, I have felt the happiest I have in the longest time, and it was the year where I’ve explored new hobbies and tried making a difference. I started embroidering as a fun hobby, but I realised that it’s more a form of therapy to me right now. It was the year where I’ve explored school work creatively and went out of my comfort zone to try new things. I came out of the fear of driving, finally, and I’ve travelled to places that were breathtakingly beautiful. Some say, you lose some, but you gain some. While i’ve been struggling to save that bit of sanity left in me that’s slowly slipping away, I’ve gained beautiful friendships and I hope for it to stay that way. One of the things that’ve never gonna change, would be how I’m extremely grateful and thankful to my parents for giving me the opportunity to be abroad, for giving me the chance to experience learning and living on my own, and in the process, hopefully to find my own voice. No words will be able to express the gratitude I have, but I truly love them, and someday, I hope to be able to repay them with a comfortable life.

I truly hope that 2017 can take a turn for the better, and be kinder. Not only to me, but to everyone who’s also struggling to find themselves in this world filled with doubts and uncertainties. I hope that I’ll be able to find a way out of this dark place, and be able to love the right way again. And as for D, thank you for not giving me up on days that loomed the darkest, for continuing to love me through my biggest flaws and greatest insecurities.

Be kind, always kind, and then even kinder. Make people happy and then be able to relish in how happy that makes you feel in return.

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