I’m now on board a 5.5 hour train ride from Edinburgh back to London and I just thought I could spend this time to pen down some thoughts. You know how you tend to be more inspired just by looking out the window? That’s how I feel right now. The weather tonight is lovely. It’s half past eight and the night sky is painted with a pastel sunset tone. As the sunlight fades away into the distance, silhouettes of the houses and trees become that much clearer. Nature’s amazing I must say, it’s this vast landscape of breathtaking scenery that makes us feel so small in this big world. I hope to never stop viewing the world with this wide eyed wonder.
So, on the train heading towards Edinburgh 4 days ago, a couple took the seats next to me. They were lovely, and look just like any classic old english couple you’d see in a movie. Donned in a sweater vest, the man grasps onto the hands of his wife, ever so gently. Gentle, but firm. Their hands were kept locked in that position for the entire ride and i couldn’t help but the steal multiple glances at them. It was sweet, not gonna lie. It must be such an amazing feeling to be able to travel and go on trips with your loved one, even till you’re at a ripe old age. The lady told him about how bloated she felt, and he reached over to comfort her stomach in a loving way. How nice.
I love the idea of being in love, and i believe in love. But while I feel strongly about being in a relationship and enjoying every moment of being in love, I can’t help but the wonder why being in a relationship could also make us feel vulnerable? We’re so afraid of putting ourselves out there in fear of getting hurt, in fear of getting our hearts broken and having to pick up the pieces alone. It’s a scary feeling, knowing that while love makes us happy and brings out the widest smile we could possibly give, it creates this unknown void of uncertainty that makes us question the very nature of it.
To be honest, I want to be able to be stronger. I mean who doesn’t right? I want to be more firm in things that I decide upon. I don’t want these clouds of negativity to take over my mental space that it actually affects the way I love. And I was just thinking, as i’m slowly approaching a quarter of a century old, there are things that I would want to tell my 15 year old self.
Dear 15 year old Celeste,
You’re doing great at this point. You’re gonna realise that the way you look now does not stay and it’ll change with time. As you feel ugly and fat all the time, don’t let it affect your confidence. School’s gonna be a tough nut to crack, but you’ll be able to push through this phase of your life. You’re also going realise that your passion and interest lies outside the complex world of maths and science and you’ll be pursuing the field of design in which you’ll find complete joy in doing. As your feelings start to change in accordance to things that happen, there are times where you’re gonna feel insecure, but i’m gonna tell you that it’s all gonna be okay. You’ll meet the best people in your life, friends to keep in your poly and early uni days. You’ll come to a crossroad early in your uni life where you’ve got to make a decision that will change the course of your life. And I mean it. Be firm, be strong and know that whatever the decision you make, it’s the best one for that moment. You’ll make a move and things will change. When it comes to love, communication is key. Don’t bottle up feelings because it’s the most unhealthy thing to do. If you’d realise this sooner, you’ll be much happier in the future. You have a habit of keeping things in yourself because you don’t believe that there’s anyone that could actually understand what you’re thinking of, but try. Try and talk about it, you’ll come to understand that by being vocal about your thoughts, you’re actually lifting weight off your shoulders. Also, I know you’re thinking, “am i gonna have double eyelids 10 years from now?” Sorry to burst your bubble but your double eyelid will only develop on the left eye, your right still remains stubborn and you’d have to go through with pasting eyelid stickers everyday of your life. Lol, sad but it’s true. At some point in your life, you’re gonna experience what’s it like to have loved and be loved. However, you’ll also go through a heartbreak and unknowingly affect your mental wellbeing. But i want to tell you that, the dark clouds will eventually clear up. Allow yourself to be sad, but after being sad, you’ve got to get back up and be stronger. Don’t allow yourself to sink into a place where it gets difficult to climb back out of. Trust me, I’ve got to go through the pain of it now. No relationship ever lost is a wasted one. All it is, is a journey you’ve gone through in your life to learn lessons that you’ll remind yourself not to repeat. Speaking from the future, trust me when I say that it’s important that you don’t carry the burden of negativity with you. Learn to accept things and blame yourself less. I know it’s gonna be hard, but you’ve got to try. While the storm clears, you’ll begin to take into heart the magic of being in a relationship and find yourself someone who brings out the sparkle in your eyes and brings you this amount of happiness that even you, will find it hard to describe. Take my word for it, c o m m u n i c a t e. It’s so important that I cannot stress it enough. As the future you is currently struggling at trying to grasp that idea, I don’t want you to go through that path. There are gonna be many days, and I mean many, where you’ll find yourself in a dark place and allow sadness to consume you. Don’t give up, you’ll be able to get through it. 10 years from now, you’ll be in a relationship with this boy. This boy who encourages you, this boy who not only drives you crazy at times, but also loves you with all that he can give. The relationship will take your feelings to places you’ve never been in touch with before. You’ll find yourself questioning the reality of it all, and at times, fall victim to your own negativity. You will be loving this boy with every bit of your heart, sometimes a little more than what you can offer. For all the times that you’ll feel insecure, he’ll ensure that you don’t feel that way. Don’t doubt him, and don’t push him away, just believe. You won’t be able to see it, but as your future you, please heed my words. My best advice is that you’ve got to learn how to love yourself. Give yourself enough credit and don’t undermine anything about yourself. Love yourself in ways that others couldn’t. Treat yourself better and my dear girl, do believe that you’re beautiful. You’ve never felt that way about yourself, and it would take some time. What’s it’s like for you 10 years from now? You’ll find yourself situated in London, pursuing a degree that you’re passionate about. You’re gonna make a lot of new friends that you’ll connect with on an emotional level. You’ll open up to some, and bid goodbye to some. You’ll struggle to find yourself and in the process, lose sight of who you are. I want you to embrace it with a strong heart and stop assuming the worst of things. Most of the time, you only feel how you feel because you allow your bad thoughts to eat away the good. Embrace the good in your relationship and you’ll realise that there’s no place else you’d rather be. No matter what, be kind, then even kinder. It’s the one thing that you should never stop doing. I would give you a solid hug now and tell you that things will be okay, but I can’t. Just remember my dear, we are all a work in progress, and I assure you that you’ll do okay, you eventually will.
25 year old Celeste